Grooming counts

Needing a haircut this week I called upon the left-hander, the CalTrans Girl.

By John Murphy

School for me starts today. Fontana students don’t begin distance learning until Aug. 24, but I’m on campus at 8 a.m. sharp. I need to look good … or at least my best.   

So I asked the CalTrans Girl to give me a haircut. Make me beautiful. Or better, anyway.  

To do so would take the finest equipment. So CT Girl pulled out a 10-year-old Remington electric razor, last used on her deceased dog, Bert.  

“Is your hair wet,” CT Girl said as I plopped down on a kitchen chair.

“Is it supposed to be wet?” I asked.

“No, I don’t want it sticky,” she said.  

I took notes and was snapping photos with my Smart phone while she toiled, much to her dismay.  

Brrrrr, brrrrr, brrrrr the razor hummed. Six weeks of growth cascaded to the floor.   

“What are your qualifications?” I asked.

“Nothing,” CT Girl said. “This is an experiment.”

Momentarily taken aback, I rebounded quickly.

“What gives you such confidence?” I said.   

 “Because you will not break up with me even if I do a bad job,” she said.  

Brrrrr, brrrrr, brrrrr. My better half went about her business. Between our crack air conditioner and my falling locks, my dome was feeling very cool indeed.

“How will I look when this is done?” I offered.

“You look old without a haircut,” she said.

“Like I’m 41?” I said.

“M-hmm,” she responded, trying her best to ignore me.

I don’t have that much hair to begin with and the pile on the ground was deepening.

“How am I looking?,” I said, bracing for another barb.   

“Bald, what else,” she said.

I asked a succession of even stupider questions and received equally succinct and humbling answers. I won’t include all the exchanges because I know my readers don’t have unlimited time.

Finally, I said, “What kind of blog do you think this will make? Will it be interesting?”  

The CalTrans Girl paused. Then she laughed.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Nobody will read it.”

Ouch. She’s blunt, but accurate. Pretty handy with a razor, too.