By John Murphy
Friday was Day whatever of the quarantine and the CalTrans Girl had the heat cranked to 70. I was starting to melt.
When I protested, she pulled the “It’s my house” argument out of her holster. I hate that.
So, I hopped in the Corolla and made a rare foray into the Twilight Zone we now call our world.
Eventually my travels took me to the Round Table Clubhouse on Highland Avenue. There I hoped to reminisce about those halcyon days of three months ago when my 49ers were still in the Super Bowl derby and I had never heard of the coronavirus.
Round Table was closed, but there was a sign in the parking lot that said, “Blood Drive Here Today” and included a smaller sign saying, “Free Baker’s food item.”
Who was I to argue? So I headed into this nondescript building to get my blood drawn by Lifesteam. Soon I found myself seated behind a blue plastic partition answering a battery of pointed questions from a 20-something.
“Have you ever used needles to take any drugs not prescribed by your doctor?” she asked.
“Are you a male who has had sexual contact with another male in the past 12 months?”
“Have you ever taken money, drugs, or other payment for sex?”
“Have you had syphilis or gonorrhea in the past 12 months?”
“Have you been in juvenile detention, lockup, jail, or prison for more than 72 consecutive hours in the last 12 months?”
“Are you pregnant?”
No, no, no, no, no and Hell no. Where do they get these questions? But it’s just all part of the deal, I figured.
Confident I was not a sex worker nor prison escapee, she sent across the room to comfortable “bed” to have my blood drawn.
Male nurse Sean was in charge and introduced himself as a Madonna song played in the background.
“How are you feeling today?” Sean said.
“Pretty good, but I could use a coffee,” I said.
Sean then handed me a red, heart-shaped stress ball to hold before he took my blood.
“Can I keep this when we’re finished?” I said.
“No,” Sean said.
Twenty minutes later, the deal was done. Sean thanked me and I retreated to the Lifestream “cantina” to rest up and grab as many free treats as I could possibly jam into my hoodie.
Finally, after the required 15 minutes, I scooped up my orange juice, potato chips, peanuts, cookies – and, of course, my heart-shaped Lifestream stress ball – and headed out. It was a win-win.
Main Street Dog 